It hurts…

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I know it’s not cool for me to express here what I have so far been unable to say in person.

I know that everyone I love has their own journey to accepting the truth of what I have revealed about myself and that it is THEIR journey not mine.

It IS important to my identity and sense of self worth that I be tolerant and understanding.

I DO want to give those I love a ‘bye’ on things I won’t tolerate from strangers.

I DO understand that habit changes take time and are disconcerting.

I KNOW that TO YOU, who have not lived with my fear and shame and guilt, this announcement of my inner (and now outer) womanhood is something new and sudden.

But it still hurts.

It hurts when you call me by anything other than my new self assigned first name.

It hurts when you get my pronouns wrong in my presence.

It hurts when you try to explain me away:

I’m not trying to ‘reinvent myself so I can leave my baggage behind’ I tried that in college when I changed my nickname to <middle name redacted>. I tried it again by becoming Private <last name redacted> in the Army.

I’m not suffering from hormone problems due to BPH and or low Testosterone.

I’m not engaging in a hobby or fad or kink.

Yes you CAN know that you were a woman at heart before any age threshold YOU think is ‘normal’.

It hurts when you attempt to deny my truth… my identity.

 

It hurts, It Hurts, IT HURTS.

I hate my voice…

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I can live with falsies and shapewear and having to shave my face to avoid looking like the incredible bearded lady.

I can tolerate the discomfort that ladies’ underwear inflicts on my certain ‘Je ne sais quois’.

With the right dress I can see a lady in the mirror.

 

But my voice offends me every time I open my mouth (those who know me will realize that’s quite often). It’s loud, it’s deep, it carries, it doesn’t sound feminine at all.¬† there are no hormones and no, safe, surgeries that will fix it. the only fix is training, expensive, long, WAITLISTED training.

The word waitlist is becoming all too familiar with me.

so. yeah. I hate my voice. Just thought I’d say.

Female Privilege

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Ladies, we DO have privilege. I’m not going to compare the ‘better or worse’ between ‘able to wear pretty dresses’ and ‘certain his voice will be heard in a meeting’ Nor any other two privileges I’ll just note that we DO have some.

Female only facilities: It has been decades since the last well known ‘no gurls allow’d‘ men’s club was laughed out of existence. We currently rage against religion based separation of the sexes in school and at pools. However Goodlife and other fitness franchises still have classes and entire facilities that are dedicated to women only. Offer the rationales you like. It’s still something the other gender, across the board and simply on a basis of plumbing, is not allowed.

Greater tolerance of public aggression/violence: In brightly lit public spaces a woman can display much more aggression to a man than vice versa. There are you tube videos of public experiments in this phenomenon involving actors and real life anecdotes I’ve personally heard. It’s a common facet in many anime as well (not exactly mainstream but it’s one of the things I note).

So… what do I mean by the above?

It’s perfectly okay for a woman to use her purse as a flail as she screams at her (presumed) significant other in a public mall. Even the police will be amused. As soon as the man defends himself in any but the most passive manner THEN charges are laid. In a reverse situation all the man has to do, is raise his voice (sometimes) and certainly no more than raise a hand. As soon as this happens the very same people who laughed at the man in another couple are transformed into a swarm of white knights promising to beat the man up if he takes it a step further. This is reflected in the media I (nerd that I am) typically consume. It’s only the dark anime (or the dark moments) that show violance against women. but women squashing men flat as Wyle-E-Coyote under a giant mallet is absolutely hilarious. Women actually punching a man to the moon without any just provocation is a staple of romantic comedy anime such as ‘Love Hina’

There’s more to it of course. Where a man see’s deference, women see this as an example of not being taken seriously. Or perhaps a small victory in the fight to end violence against women. And what happens in the light, in public, is NOT the same as what happens at a lonely bus stop or darkened street. however, it’s hard to argue that there is no privilege involved, even if it is backhanded and uneven.

There are others but I’m sure you ask why they are worth mentioning when compared to <insert great injustice against women here> . The simple fact is, we have to be aware of them if Feminism is not going to become a single minded interest group populated only by fanatics. Already I know many female friends who feel obliged to distance themselves from the label feminist even as they are talking about issues for which feminism would be a rational stance. Also if feminism is truly about equality for everyone we have to abandon the ‘Boys will be okay’ school of fixing things. If we are slaying our own dragons. Then the man who thought he was a knight is suddenly without a purpose. You CAN say ‘that’s his problem’ but then don’t pretend you’re anything other than just another interest group.

 

 

 

Paintball.

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… was fun. I need to blow two years of rust off and get back into it.

paintball, legion… all these macho hobbies and no one seems to have a problem with me. I must be a very lucky girl. or Canada just rocks.

 

On Feminism, Humanism, and Priviledge

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I promised to share my thoughts on this a while ago. So here it is.

Sometimes I’m inclined to say to some men: “you say feminism like it’s a bad thing. ” Sometimes, sometimes, there are guys who seem to think ‘feminist’ and related words are epithets.

I think such guys are wrong. For them, I’m proud to call myself a Feminist.

However I’m not really a Feminist. This offends some of my Feminist friends; the ones believe that feminism is an unalloyed force for good. These friends actually perceive humanism and feminism as synonyms and any hint that sometimes people who label themselves as ‘feminist’ are being sexist themselves or pursuing advantage or self interest is insulting to them. I still persist in calling myself a humanist. People are people and NO interest group is without those who have extreme agendas or who merely are seeking unilateral advancement.

A strongly feminist transman I know, is one of those offended by the term humanist. Perhaps less so, since he was shocked by the misandry and transphobia expressed by some women who write under the label ‘radical feminist’. Still just the same, at the time of the conversation I’m recalling this young angry man was one of the feminist true believers. I never did get to explain that when I appeared to … view some of his opinions with amusement, I was more likely being ageist rather than sexist. I’ve gotten older and more cynical and experience has taught that some women will never view a man or even a transwoman as an ally. Perhaps you could say that those women aren’t real feminists but unfortunately that risks the ‘no true scotsman’ fallacy. So lets just say that in my opinion feminism isn’t always on the same side as humanism (though we can often be strong allies).

Male Privileges exist. So do female ones. and ones for any local or widespread demographic. When working construction crews you might seriously consider talking about Turkish or Italian privilege. There are, even in this polyglot city places and times where you will get the shaft if don’t speak some language other than the two official ones. Does that mean feminism has achieved its mandate? I think not. but that’s me.

Having taken a high heeled step towards the outer edge of the ‘circle of privilege’, and while ‘passing white’ actually being biracial my opinions on racial and gender based privilege might different from others. Still, most transmen report having more respect, personal space, attention paid to their words than when they were female. Likewise, one unconscious, and universal thing I’ve noticed is the neither men nor women yield to other women in foot traffic. I USED to walk in straight lines and didn’t even know others were yielding to me until they stopped. Now I serpentine through crowds and clobbered a lot more often by other ladies’ purses. Privilege is real and present in our unconscious behaviour. However, Females do get some privileges too. Are they enough to dilute the gasoline that fuels the feminist fire?

I’ll talk more later. This post has waited long enough.

more to follow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hate my new med.

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I think I’m going to have to talk to my specialist¬† about Latuda…

it’s good but it’s not good. I THINK it’s making me more productive and less scattered. Sleep is more restful clocks run more slowely

 

BUT…

 

It’s putting this irritating fog in my head I feel constantly tired so much so that I’m sometimes crying in frustration. anyhow I see her tomorrow. fingers crossed.

 

 

I have to say…

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People are either much more liberal/accepting than the LGBT+ community gives them credit for being.

 

OR

 

I ‘pass’* better and more often than I think.

 

*See “Passing” on the Page “Useful Info”.

I lived.

Aside

I have two core values that keep me going my touch stones when I forget who I am or what I’m about.

The first, long held is: “make good memories”

 

the second, newly adopted, is that I want my epitaph to be “She Lived”

 

And yesterday.

 

I LIVED. I want more days like this.