If you’ve known me before my change or even if something about me formed the wrong first impression. You’re going to get it wrong. You’ll refer to me as ‘he’ or use one of my boy’s names.
I won’t lie, I’ll flinch when it happens. especially if I think you know better.
But it will happen, the best thing you can do is fix it and carry on. profuse apologies sidetrack the conversation and rub salt in the wound. Just get it right the next time and don’t sweat the small stuff.
since August I’ve had no libido, significantly less interest in computer games and other pleasures, and a strong interest in sleeping all day. Something has been wrong for a long while and it’s affected my ability to contribute creatively here. sorry if that means you’ve not had much to read but I haven’t had much to say nor been arsed to write what little i might have.
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I just have had nothing new happen on the transition front. The rest of my life has been a distraction and an excuse for procrastination. I’m still sitting on my name change application. All I need to do is get down to a commissioner and get it notarized and I can mail it in. It’s been months since it’s been ready.
Some other interesting non-transition events have come my way. The aforementioned move. Jury Duty (that’s an amusing story in itself. maybe worth another entry) and just adjusting to my new roomateless life in a new location with new transit requirements and logistical challenges.
So, Big Hugs all. More to follow soon I hope.
I just changed addresses for a smaller out of the way place with cheaper rent than my well located larger former apartment
right now I’m tired. Supervising the movers was surprisingly draining even if they made it look easy. Assembling my Ikea furniture taught me new extremes in swearing.
But I’m home in my new home now. It’s just picking up the pieces.
I have a certain restlessness, a feeling I need to be doing something yet unable to stick to whatever I decide to do. tv doesn’t entertain me. games do not distract me. I cannot work on my novel the words won’t come and I’m running out of places to put the stuff I’ve packed into boxes. and it’s too early for bed… argh argh argh.
I haven’t had much to write about lately or just not felt like writing.
My transition is rather static right now. I’m holding off on the name change until I’ve renewed some ID that’s due and done moving.
Surgeries and hormones are still a distant dream. Strangely enough I’m not unhappy. It still makes me … better to be full time as a woman, Though,I’ve slowly let go of some womanly ways. Heels have stopped getting worn (I usually wear ballet slippers with a dress) dresses have moved to a less prominent place in my closet in favour of pants and frock length tops. I go days without bothering with make up. I’m … comfortable.
Other things are keeping me busy. my upcoming move has me more worried than necessary. I keep conflating issues such as getting rid of excess junk or dealing with my broken bed into monumental chores that make the whole project seem like a big deal.
It says something about my self confidence and faith in my friends that I’ve been planning the move as if I’ll have no help. I’m hoping that I’m just being depressive about that.
I wish I was less tired. I’m getting better I think but I’m still not fit for work and still not doing enough in my free time to be happy with myself. everything is tiring and some days being alive is a chore.
At least my diabetes has been stable and in control.
So, Dear readers, that’s where I am right now.
Some days I look in the mirror and still see a ‘dude in a dress’
So… life has been… interesting… this past year. Going on long term disability. seeking psychiatric help, joining the Legion, changes in medication, changes to the changes due to interactions and reactions, a dramatic adjustment to my sleep/wake pattern. Friends disappointing me others proving to be friends, applying for a new place, securing said new place pending notice to vacate at my old, getting an eye infection, missing remembrance day, Reintroducing myself to my family at thanksgiving, I think I could go on there’s been a lot.
I’m a little scared and down for the last two months I feel I’ve been getting stronger but that was preceded by a pull back where i lost all energy and activities of daily living became monumental chores forget actually doing anything that resembled a return to working life or even just getting a workout.
I don’t know If I’ll be ready to return to work on the current plan (January) and I’m afraid of failure
I’m frustrated by my current lack of energy and wonder if it’s related to a new psychotropic medication I’m on or some other external factor (like my currently low haemoglobin)
Good news is that My blood sugars have been surprisingly stable and uniformly low since about thanksgiving so almost 5 weeks. my haemoglobin a1-c tests have been in the 0.7 range (which is not a healthy person’s but not bad for a diabetic)
I wouldn’t have self described as a worrying but i find with my new self-awareness (thanks to meds and therapies) that I worry a lot. I tend to conflate chores and trouble into difficulties much bigger than they really are.
So, I worry about my Nursing course, I worry about my move in three months I ruminate about all sorts of future difficulties at the expense of being here, now, in the moment… but I’m aware at least and trying to redirect those energies to more useful tasks.
One step at a time, I can walk around the world.
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